My awareness of the sequence of call changes from day to day. The tone of the callers is often consistent throughout the day, the tone of my voice changes with the awareness I have of who i am each day. I could be a coworker, a friend, someone’s ex or my supervisor. Sometimes they bestow upon me skill, sometimes hard working sensation and sometimes I feel above the rest and sometimes below. Sometimes I feel like speaking, sometimes I feel curious and friendly, sometimes I’m a good listener and sometimes I feel blunt and am not enjoying my voice. It all changes from day to day. Like the voices in my head- those I’m not going to describe right now. They are intrusive and I feel like every single single one is a curse and not a blessing, or it could be a blessing but not for me. Or that it could be a damnation but somehow I can stop it. They are all often manifested in my day to day life, often I think or say things and it happens later, or is mentioned or affects me. So nothing is more frightening than the cancer that is constantly in many mind, possibly planted there by good intentioned folks just intending to better themselves and me. Schizophrenics, better everyone. That is the solution. Plant psychosis- they will ward it off through their repetitive fears. Improve life through fear and anger and paranoia and not only will health and prosperity and world peace happen, we will all go to heaven as the counterparts of the crazies that long to escape the hell and repeated pinging of the cortex that houses a chemical balance. That is the anger I have, towards people that “utilize” me and whatever powers they or I perceive I have for good or evil, or simply a mind that remembers a name or purpose a thousand billion times, assisted with carnal desires that are unstoppable or delusional fears. The loss of my soul, the desire for Jesus to replace something I have never had, a good mind that has no hostile ties to anything, peace, intelligence, freedom to think of good things and feel happy, whole, free and loved. And above all safe.
It used to be I could see demons, even summon them, outside of me. I saw a church of Satan when I walked in, people with shiny black hair walking around eating a bloody host with elven peaks on thier ears. I was singing in the choir and saw a dragon, a huge hallucination filling the entire cathedral. I saw my priests aura, beautiful, golden, many heights to its crown in front of the church, just being holy and good and golden. I was there because sex was so painful to my soul I longed to stop the biscuits cycle, didn’t care what it took. I was being raped over and over again by spirits and humans and even the pluck of a guitar string could cause pain in my soul. I confessed tknmy skns endlessly, prayed for the people I hated as well as I loved to end the viscous cycle – confessed my abortion and prayed with a deacon weekly for months. Still the pain in my chakras as well as strange sickness kept occurring. However in time, things began getting better. Suicide wasn’t the answer, but god slowly was. He sent me someone wonderful who would never leave me and was the answer and faith I needed in life. Life is better now. Back to work.