Suffering so much – trying to find out why I feel like falling 100+ times a day. Mri says I have shrinkage of brain but since there’s no cure they all say that’s nothing, often due to aging or antipsychotics or antidepressant. This anxiety is just repeat attack after repeat attack, and when I gets bad I can’t see I can’t think – especially when under pressure to give someone a smart answer in a hurry like is often demanded by me. I get scared and fall down, injuring myself badly. I don’t hear voices anymore, just memories of having never been happy. Every memory of the enemy leaves me with wrath and jealousy. I wouldn’t put up with it before in my previous relationship. Can u answer who cheats more? Me or the men I date? If they don’t, they want to and it’s like my mouth is glued shut – thank god we stopped pursuing monsters, but the monster lives inside me and thrives off my complete despair. No one will understand and no one will help. I look fir help and get snapped at. I thought I could tolerate these character defects, the booming voice of reason, why wouldn’t I want to listen to that? The interrogation when it’s the wrong solution and my answers are meaningless and our bank accounts aren’t joint and our lives are not joined- we live in sin yet he does not pay for his as I pay so obviously and beg forgiveness for mine. My whole life is spiritual pursuit. Asking forgiveness and never getting it. Only a deeper darker curse that once again I cannot live with, jeez how he must tire of me. 




Published by: Elaine M

I’m a magical 44 year old who bargains she will experience joy and happiness someday and has aversion to the great pain and suffering from the past, who longs for the enlightenment of all in a gentle and loving way.

Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s