I had a big growth experience and told off Some random asshole- I use the word asshole rather loosely

I have to say being a recovered sex addict and having gone to an SLAA meeting that day, I wasn’t prepared for orgy bear (whom has stalked me to Clermont and trades women like items and slaps them around) to invite me to his grotesque repulsive clutches to be privy to he and his wifes sex life. He used to tell me how much it turned him on that he had the same name as my boyfriend. Ive never noticed a resemblance but once I had this information I noticed my relationship began to suffer, so after praying for this person that I resent more than any other, I told him off like Ive never had a meeting of assertiveness training or prayer, never 1000 hours of spiritual meditation and contemplation of my navel. It seems my relationship is now doing better than ever, the drawback being I ended up faltering in my recovery and having three disgusting margaritas. I felt ill with my diabetes afterwards and was counseled not to have a fourth and I went to an AA meeting that day and today. Today the cravings were worse and I addressed all the things which led up to that with my sponsor and my intensive outpatient rehab. I won’t tell you where I go because that’s not important, but I have a good support group and 2 good churches. If I didn’t have two good churches and AA Id be drinking because Ive been drinking regularly for 23 years -1 sad year.

My daughter was not a part of my life for a while, and she’s vowed not to be around me when Im in active addiction. Strangely its when she started annoying me so much the last couple of days and I ignored her, she began to worry, orgy-bear contacted me, my boyfriend screamed at me with toxicity, and I picked up the chi chi margaritas. I never want to go through that again. It didn’t bother me to be utterly alone, having literally no friends to go get an apartment alone with besides a friend in San Diego who has been homeless for close to a year due to his mental illness. I committed to a relationship. I committed to sobriety. I committed to a sponsor. And now I am sitting around desolate not enjoying the sickening base model margarita and the sense of defeat, it was no good and I hated it. I hated the orgy guy for bringing chaos into this simple world where I was looking towards getting a 60 day chip, an A in class, and going to the gym on a daily basis, meditating and church.

Now, luckily enough I realized my powerlessness, changed my path immediately, sought out AA and turned my will over to god, now it is his job to make sure I follow that path of the righteous to the best of my ability and guide my way. The boyfriend has been kind and good, and I am comfortable with my sponsor and talked to her about the first step that I practice on SLAA and AA. I don’t have to pick a favorite recovery, but as they don’t go hand in hand, I would pick a less than satisfactory fate rather than be groped or feel an attraction. Im going to.the gym and want to make sure my will is governing my arms and legs, and that my will is aligned with gods will. No external or internal force should be making me frozen or feeling torn and if need be I will head to the races dressed in an American flag. Battles such as these battles over my body, my chemistry and yes my good will and kindness should not be affected by blackmail and no I can’t be bought. I don’t have to be rude and violent, I have been rude once and violent once, but if I have gods permission Id like to have liberty to be kind and assertive. God understands my commitments and that although I am not a virgin I don’t remember those old patterns of behavior such as being in a persons car or house or sitting on a couch. Or speaking with men. The last couple sentences were tongue in cheek.

The most exciting thing in my life? Ive been going to two churches. I was baptized Roman Catholic, as well as celebrated reconciliation, and was confirmed as a catholic. My inner voice knew I would grow up to commit great sins and the very saddest thing is that I lied to God to please the priest. I would never sign on a dotted line that I agree I will go to hell for my sins when I know I am powerless over them and the devil causes them, and yes I had committed them and was in the habit of lying to appease angry people. I was bad by nature, by birth and had picked up a book at the church about Covenant house, the shelter for teens, and desired strongly to be a prostitute so that I could escape my parents house because I believed by the time I reached NYC I would have lived with several pimps. The sins grew greater yes, like piling dirt over a corpse, when will I be free of the cycle? When the people who afflict me with emotional torment and seduction leave? When the pain stops striking me over and over again and I can’t cry tears but I can drown in acid? And its always my will to stop. . . . the physical dependency had patterned little chemical paths to dopamine in my mind and my associations and there isnt a single will that believes in me and has faith in my life – I instantly hopped on a plane to Del Ray and locked myself up to detoxify and take lactalose for wet brain and eat catered food. I immediately started working on myself to find out the sources of my addiction, which was a weak heart weakened further by sedatives and alcohol, going to better doctors, and assuring myself I would go to any things for sexual sobriety and sobriety from alcoholism. Recovery emotionally, although no therapist will work with me – Im trying to find them. I do have faith. Ive said some things – God killed many, his child included, we try to believe there’s a good reason for that and there is if it is freedom from the evil I have lived, the selfishness of my faith will keep me dry, but the church promises fullfillment. You have to be eager to free your conscience from analyzing the things you are which are not congruent with your identity. Hell is sin. Alcohol is sin, according to the revelations, it promises filthy fornication and the wrath of God. That is the anguish depicted to me – treading the winepress of wrath and fornication, loss of control and alienation from the higher powers. I am not weak, but I am powerless. One day I will tell you how the devil and god depict quantum physics and how god depicts light – these are the things I am willing to think about when I have the time and the conversations I would like to have with my daughter when we all three get baptized OUTSIDE of the Roman Catholic Church into a non-denominational one and my daughter and her daughter and I will be one in faith where we are permitted to socialize with good people and I have fulfilled the thing that good parents do. Not just not beating her. I can’t provide her with the kind of protection she needs, but a good society can. Amen, as my daughter said when she was a little girl and I feared for her safety tremendously. – Amen God and Jesus. How cute 🙂

Published by: Elaine M

I’m a magical 44 year old who bargains she will experience joy and happiness someday and has aversion to the great pain and suffering from the past, who longs for the enlightenment of all in a gentle and loving way.

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